The Oyster’s Garter

Jaimie Mantzel is building a giant riding-robot. I really can’t do better than SI Rosenbaum’s (my friend from college!) excellent lede:

You’re living in the Vermont woods in a four-story dome you built yourself. Well, the third floor is really a trampoline. You’re not sure if that counts as a floor.

So you’re living in your dome, working on all your little robots — the one like a slug, and the one like a turtle, the one that swims and the one that climbs walls — and you decide it would be cool to have a giant robot, big enough to ride around in.

And because you’re Jaimie Mantzel, you know right away you can build it.

More info & videos of his giant robot progress on Mantzel’s webpage. His smaller robots, from slugs to spiders, are also awesome. And I admit to some dome envy - after all, his third floor is a trampoline.

If you still haven’t had enough robots, consider entering the Scifi Channel’s “Make A Cylon” contest. It will be judged by Number 6 and Boomer/Athena - played in real life by Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. Entries can be either classic toasters or “OMG! They look like us!” newer models.

When I somewhat belatedly caught up on the Great Invertebrate Wars, I was torn. Which was best, molluscs or echinoderms? On the one hand (as Jason pointed out), we are extremely fond of tasty bivalves here at the Oyster’s Garter. On the other hand, echinoderms frequently eat poop and barf up their guts, which is a giant plus in my book.

But I do not need to fit myself into this narrow phyla dichotomy! I am a maverick, a unique and special snowflake, and I walk boldly alone to proclaim from the very electronic rooftops that UROCHORDATA IS THE BEST PHYLA IN ALL THE OCEAN.

Why? Because they are my study organism and I plan to spend the summer doing unspeakable things to them in tiny torture chambers. But if that isn’t enough, here is a conveniently numbered list that will make the Deep Sea News lads throw their puny molluscs across the room in jealousy and perhaps gently weep into their extremely expensive deep-sea cores (but I hope that CR McClain will not weep too much because he gave me a kick-ass tour of MBARI and bought me tasty squid for lunch and is awesome).

But first, Meet the Urochordata.

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Seriously, you can’t convince me the U.S. Military isn’t really consulting SciFi authors. This 1998 document emerged from a 2006 Freedom of Information Act request. It’s a summary of the Army’s attempts to develop non-lethal weapons using microwave and other electro-magnetic radiation.  Here’s a list of what the army came up with, and what it would do to an imaginary enemy soldier I’ve decided to name Gil (also, the Army has lame names for their weapons, so I made up better ones. Just so you know).

Heat-o-matic

What it does: Gives Gil heat stroke by aiming a microwave at him.

Why it might work: As anyone with a modern kitchen knows, things exposed to high concentrations of microwaves get hotter. In this case, the idea is to make get Gil’s core body temperature rise  to 41 degrees C (Normal is 37, for all of us non-metric folks). That will essentially give him heat stroke. We know it might work because we have lots of experience with microwaves, and “numerous studies have been performed on animals.” (Now we know what games these scientists played as children, don’t we?).

Why it didn’t: Subject has to remain in the beam for 15-30 minutes: “OK, Gil, I’m going to incapacitate you now. Just, don’t move.”

The Vociferator

What it does: Makes it so you can speak into a microphone and beam your voice “hundreds of meters” to someone’s ear. Apparently only the person you aim at will hear it. They put a microphone next to a test subject, and the subject heard a voice counting one through ten, but the microphone caught nothing. That’s pretty nifty if you ask me.
Why it might work:  Small bursts of microwave fired at someone’s ear will cause the air to expand against the eardrum, much like normal sound. Microwave radiation is already one of the more common causes for very brief audio hallucinations.

Why it didn’t: Aim has to be very precise. You’d hate to aim a message at American hostage Sarah, telling her to duck, because the Heat-o-matic was about to fire, only to hit Gil with the message by mistake and give away the plan. Still, this one seems pretty cool. The army should get it back on track.
Epilepsinator

What it does: Shoots pulses of microwave radiation into Gil’s brain causing him to have an epileptic seizures.

Why it might work: Because a very specific pattern of flashing lights in a Japanese cartoon (Pokemon) once induced seizures in thousands of school children. The military thinks it would be reasonable to imagine you could do the same thing with electromagnetic rays. Sent on the frequency level of Alpha brain waves, the beams cause neurons to fire in an uncoordinated manner, causing seizures.

Why it won’t work: Again, it’s hard to aim. Also, to induce seizures in just Gil is relatively easy, but to do it to Gil’s whole regiment would require a lot of power.

Accousticator

What it does: Play very loud, low pitched noise to make Gil dizzy and nauseous.

Why it might work: Apparently noise at the right frequency and volume will actually push some of the ear organs  into the side of the aural canal, which then throws off all the balance mechanisms of the inner ear. This will make Gil dizzy, nauseous, and possibly cause rapid eye movement.

Why it doesn’t work: Because it sounds like something Cobra Commander might invent. And also, because it requires a lot of energy to make this much noise, so it’s not very portable, not to mention it would thwarted by a  set of 99-cent ear plugs.

Laser gun

What it does: Shoot frickin’ lasers

Why it might work: A laser in the eye can make Gil go blind. Didn’t your parents teach you anything?

Why it doesn’t: A bullet in the eye also makes Gil blind, and it’s cheaper.

What to do with plastic trash? Clearly, make it into formalwear.

This ballgown was made by sewing together 12″ squares of the clear blue plastic backing from Plexiglass. The corset was made with mustard packets.

Personally, I fear that mustard packets won’t give enough support. I want my recycled corset to be made out of nuclear warheads. Or at least recycled guns with full  functionality.

More photos of the plastic gown here.

The beak of the Humboldt squid is both hard and soft, according to new research. Because squid are squishy and the beak is hard, the squid use a materials gradient to ensure that they can bite without the beak tearing off. Mark Powell writes most lovingly of the squid beak as a metaphor for modern masculinity, but what I want to know is “Where do I get my bloody squid-proof armor??!!”

Humboldt squid, with their fancy-pants materials gradient beak, are among the most fearsome predators in the sea. They get up to 7 feet and 100 pounds, and are able to engage in cooperative hunting and cannabalistic feeding frenzies with equal joie de vivre. One man, commercial diver Scott Cassell, claims that the Humboldt squid are just like Soylent Green - they’re made of people! He says:

I’ve interviewed many people who have been attacked by these squids. There are also stories of disappearances, always unexplained, around the Humboldt squid. Always fishermen.

That’s why Cassell has created squid-proof armor.

These precautions [for diving with the squid] included: anti-squid armor suits; armor plating for the vulnerable parts of my mixed-gas rebreather; anti-squid cage; and back-to-back diving techniques. To prevent being pulled down by a pack of squid, steel cables connected divers to the boat at all times. If these measures sound extreme, I can assure you they weren’t. Each one came into play and proved to be completely necessary.

Here’s Cassell’s full account of Squidly Fear, with photos.

Most cephalopod researchers think Cassell is a bit nuts, since nobody else has any evidence of people being attacked by killer squid. (People do get grabbed if they chum up the squid into a frenzy and then jump into the water, but this isn’t a situation most sane people encounter.) I don’t care - I want squid-proof armor! The squid will be my allies in the mighty battle against the fearsome many-armed sea star Pycnopodia!

Of course, being slandered is not the worse mishap that can happen to a squid. Accidentally injecting oneself with one’s own ejaculate just can’t be comfortable.

Thanks to Serin & Eric(h) for the squid beak link!

How observant are you? Take this amusing British test (1 min. long) and find out. For the sake of bicyclists everywhere, I hope you are more observant than me - I’m tempted to revoke my own license.

The Department of Homeland Security has a crack team of highly trained…science fiction writers. They’re called SIGMA, and according to National Defense Magazine, they are a “fixture at Department of Homeland Security science and technology conferences.”

My first thought was - great! Who knew that DHS was so concerned about avoiding the perils of a techno-dystopia? In my fevered imaginings, the panel included China Mieville, Neal Stephenson, Ursula Le Guin, and perhaps even Octavia Butler from beyond the grave.

Hah. Beneath my crusty exterior, I am apparently a foolish idealist. Because the members of SIGMA don’t want to avoid  a 1984-esque scenario - they aspire to it. Here’s Larry Niven on health care:

Niven said a good way to help hospitals stem financial losses is to spread rumors in Spanish within the Latino community that emergency rooms are killing patients in order to harvest their organs for transplants.

“The problem [of hospitals going broke] is hugely exaggerated by illegal aliens who aren’t going to pay for anything anyway,” Niven said.

Or how about Jerry Pournelle (who I’ve never heard of) on the joys of mob rule?

Pournelle said that once mobile phone technology and the devices tacked on them to take pictures and record video become more ubiquitous, then ordinary citizens will be empowered to take security into their own hands — a prediction some have said already has come to pass.

Fortunately, it seems like these Big-Brother-loving sycophants are their own worst enemy.

The 45-minute panel discussion quickly deteriorated as federal, local and state homeland security officials, and at least one congressional aid, attempted to ask questions, which were largely ignored.

Instead the writers used their time to pontificate on a variety of tangentially related topics, including their past roles advising the government, predictions in their stories that have come to pass, the demise of the paperback book market, and low-cost launch into space.

David Brin, keeping on the topic of empowering citizens with mobile phone technology, delivered a self-described “rant” on the lack of funds being spent to support citizen reservists to back up the military, homeland security officials and first responders in times of crisis.

“It is impossible for you to succeed without us!” he shouted at the assembled officials, while banging his fist on the table and at one point jumping off his chair to wave a mobile phone in their faces.

Let’s hope that the Feds don’t consult Orson Scott Card on gay issues or Dave Sim on women.

Via Boing Boing

Best part? This was displayed at the Waldorf Astoria.

Boy, I’m sure glad that I live in 2008! I can ride in my 300 MPH automatic car to my climate-controlled dome city, where private cars are banned in favor of mass transportation. After I’m home from my four-hour workday, I can get my housewife to determine her meals for the week, and the robot will do all the defrosting.

Oh, wait. I’m supposed to BE the housewife. Silly 1968! Imagining superfast cars and massive domes is easy, but imagining a female reader of 1968 Mechanix Illustrated is apparently inconceivable.

To be fair, the author was dead-on about a lot of things, from the rise of computers to the populations of the US. But screw credit cards (also predicted in the article), I want the four-hour workday! And possibly a flying car. And a spaceport with rocketships. And a silver rocket pack!

Via Boing Boing

As I slowly dig myself out from under a giant backlog of news, please enjoy this tasty subsample of the science news of the week. I think this entry could also be titled Links that prove that Rick MacPherson is awesome.

• A spotted eagle ray killed a woman in Florida by jumping into the speedboat she was riding in and hitting her with great force. Slate contemplates leaping-aquatic-creature-related injuries, and Rick MacPherson collects a fine compendium of other ill-fated critter collisions.
• See an eggcase on the beach? Let Shark Trust know. If you are an egg case maestro, take Rick MacPherson’s egg case quiz.
• Atheist blogger PZ Myers expelled from free public screening of Ben Stein’s lame creationist movie “Expelled.” Too bad the “Expelled” people were so busy congratulating themselves on nabbing Myers that they missed…Richard Dawkins. Here’s the NY Times take. The whole incident has since exploded into a civil war over who gets to represent science to the public. Rick MacPherson summarizes in handy graphic form.
• Giant sea creatures found in Antarctica! (Thanks Ethan and Riana!) I want to see a fight between the giant Antarctic sea stars and the extremely fearsome sunflower star. Rick MacPherson ignores this news completely, being all tropical and such. Whew.