Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

Along with several other ocean bloggers, I recently received a email from plugging their Top 10 Ocean Rivalries piece. Though I generally think that bringing ocean love (or slime or violence) to new audiences is a Good Thing, some of the assholery at sets my feminist leg hairs on end. Then I realized that ocean love and mocking sexist bullshit are two great tastes that taste great together. So without further ado:

Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

Don’t you hate it when your special seal hauls up on the beach and you notice that she’s just not jiggling the way she used to? Blubber loss is a sensitive issue – after all, she’s spent weeks nursing a pup without eating. You can’t just bark “You’re losing weight and I find you less attractive!” You’ve got to make sure that’s she’s in the mood for love before she goes back to sea – as alpha male, it’s your job to get her pregnant before she goes back to sea for the year.

Don’t worry. We here at are here to give you the top subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough.

1) Dig her a comfy hole in the sand, but make it too big. When she tries to settle in but doesn’t fit, she’ll realize that she’s half the seal she used to be.

2) Couch it in terms of her health. What if she freezes in the deep sea or starves during molting season? Remind her that she’ll be going back to sea already pregnant, and that she needs her strength.

3) Playfully poke at her sides. She’ll feel self-conscious about her puny layer of fat and go back to sea early.

4) Pour sealant over her favorite section of the beach in order to glue the sand grains together. That way, when she hauls out, she’ll won’t even make a dent. Nothing plays on a seal’s self-esteem like undented sand.

5) If all else fails, “accidentally on purpose” squash her during mating. She’ll realize that if she was bigger, it wouldn’t be so unpleasant. That’ll show her!

About these ads

55 Responses to Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

  1. eheupel says:

    So men actually get advice from
    Men who seriously wnat to have a relationship with a woman?
    Wow, poor sods. They might as well ask the dolphins.

    But this the mockery…
    Wait it’s not a Top 10? Damn! :(
    Still, Most excellent!

  2. I couldn’t think of enough to make a Top 10! O NOES now I’ll never be a writer for Any suggestions?

  3. CR McClain says:

    This post just totally made my day. I cannot stop chuckling.

  4. Jives says:

    6. Casually play old National Geographic footage of her in her prime while you were pounding your bloody face against another bull male to win her over. Wait for an appropriate pause in the narration and say “you were so worth it then.”

  5. eheupel says:

    Well, you could always develop a totally misogynistic pseudonym/alter ego. Sorta the anti-Miriam.

    Or, just say O Noes and write for Double X.

  6. Awesome. That was great.

    Several years ago a bunch of rock climbers decided to prank askmen because their rock climbing articles were so awful. The resulting ‘how to rockclimb’ article, which described the use of suction cups and grappling hooks to climb like sly stalone was priceless.

  7. jebyrnes says:

    I fear the advice that would come from…. Then again, as long as it’s not the dolphins from Jablokov’s A Deeper Sea, it might be OK.

  8. Christie says:

    It’s at moments like these that I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to profess my undying love to you.

    Shit. Make that just uncontrollable.

  9. Your unique and impeccable insight into the lives of pinnipeds makes me think you might be infected with The NERD. In your case, however, it appears the symptoms have positive side effects – kind of like how schitozophrenia made John Nash an incredible mathematician.

  10. [...] Those infected with N. contagium maritimus find themselves uncontrollably attracted to the ocean and its inhabitants. They tend to spend inordinate amounts of time in places like aquariums and tend to prefer career paths like Oceanography and Marine Biology (like these two). The symptoms can range dramatically, from just appreciating marine life to total psychological breakdown, where one believes they are able to actually understand and speak for marine animals. [...]

  11. incredibly nice post, i undoubtedly enjoy this web-site, maintain on it
    jordans outlet

  12. you might have an awesome weblog here! would you like to create some invite posts on my weblog?
    air jordans

  13. There is noticeably a bundle to know about this. I assume you made certain nice points in features also.
    cheap air jordans

  14. Hello! I just would like to give an enormous thumbs up for the terrific info you have here on this post. I will be coming back to your weblog for additional soon.
    jordans outlet

  15. you’ve an excellent blog here! would you like to make some invite posts on my blog?
    jordans for cheap

  16. There’s noticeably a bundle to know about this. I assume you created certain nice points in features also.
    wholesale jordans

  17. Your essay is very interestingand hope you continue its efforts, to write better content! If you want to to know more about woodworking machines, present you can visiting our website of woodworking machines.

  18. This essay is pretty good, keep it up! If you want to know more about the vacuum pump, now to please visiting our website of vacuum pump.

  19. This article is very good, keep it up!If you want to learn more about the masking tape, please visit our masking tape website at present.

  20. Kisha says:

    Hi to every one, it’s truly a pleasant for me to pay a quick visit this
    web page, it contains helpful Information.

  21. You undoubtedly allow it to become appear simple with your business presentation however come across this disorder to get truly one important thing that I imagine I’d in no way have an understanding of. Them kind of seems too complex and very considerable for me. We are wanting onward as part of your upcoming distribute, Let me aim to find the your hands on the item!

  22. funny cats vs dogs says:

    Hello i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anyplace,
    when i read this article i thought i could also create comment due to this sensible article.,

  23. In the article I’ll give advice the choice whether to follow them or not is yours only.
    After choosing the email provider, your username and password for that email account will be required for you to enter.
    Well he will be doing the same thing; if you notice that
    all of a sudden your husband is overly concerned about his appearance; that could be a red flag that
    he could be cheating on you.

  24. nike shoes says:

    I’ve been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts in this sort of house
    . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this web site.

    Studying this info So i’m glad to exhibit that I have an incredibly good uncanny feeling
    I found out just what I needed. I so much for sure will make sure to don?t disregard this website and give it a glance on a relentless basis.

  25. on the spot 7 payudara terbesar says:

    I am truly grateful to the holder of this web page who has
    shared this fantastic post at here.,

  26. on the spot 7 payudara terbesar says:

    Greetings from Idaho! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to browse your website on my iphone during
    lunch break. I love the information you provide here and can’t wait to take a
    look when I get home. I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my phone ..

    I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, awesome blog!,

  27. funny pranks 2014 says:

    Thanks for another wonderful article. The place else could anyone get that kind of information in such
    a perfect method of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am at the look for such info., funny
    videos epic fails pranks cats compilation 2014

  28. hey there and thank you for your info – I have certainly picked
    up anything new from right here. I did however expertise several technical
    points using this web site, as I experienced to reload the web site a lot of times previous to
    I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web hosting
    is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will
    sometimes affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords.
    Well I am adding this RSS to my email and can look out for a lot
    more of your respective interesting content.
    Ensure that you update this again soon.

  29. Can I simply say what a comfort to discover someone that
    actually knows what they’re talking about on the net. You actually understand how to bring an issue to light and make it important.
    More people must look at this and understand this side of
    your story. I can’t believe you aren’t more popular given that you certainly
    possess the gift.

  30. Hello, I desire to subscribe for this blog to get latest updates,
    so where can i do it please help out.

  31. I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your sites really nice, keep it up!
    I’ll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back down the
    road. Many thanks

  32. bowflex dumbbells

    Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough | The Oyster’s Garter

  33. I delight in, result in I discovered just what
    I was looking for. You’ve ended my 4 day lengthy hunt!
    God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

  34. Heya! I realize this is somewhat off-topic but I needed to ask.
    Does building a well-established website like yours take a massive amount work?
    I am brand new to running a blog however I do write in my journal every day.
    I’d like to start a blog so I can share my personal experience and
    thoughts online. Please let me know if you have any kind of suggestions or tips for new aspiring bloggers.
    Appreciate it!

  35. Greetings from Ohio! I’m bored to death at work so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break.
    I really like the information you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get
    home. I’m shocked at how fast your blog loaded on my phone ..

    I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, fantastic site!

  36. Remarkable issues here. I am very satisfied to look
    your article. Thank you a lot and I am taking a look forward to
    contact you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

  37. best appetite suppressant pills

    Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough | The Oyster’s Garter

  38. on the spot trans 7 penampakan menghebohkan says:

    If you are going for finest contents like I do, only visit this web page everyday as it provides feature contents, thanks,

  39. weight set says:

    weight set

    Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough | The Oyster’s Garter

  40. This page truly has all the information and facts I wanted concerning this subject and didn’t know who to ask. |

  41. on the spot trans7 - 7orang yang tewas karena menghina tuhan says:

    I have read so many articles or reviews on the topic of the blogger lovers but
    this article is truly a good post, keep it up.,

  42. Superb, what a website it is! This bog provides useful data tto us, keep it up.

  43. If you want to know the crystal clear details it is better to view just about any online store web sites explaining the
    actual product or service information using elements.
    There are hundreds to choose from, allowing you the choice of matching the type with your own health and fitness goals.

    Sonnie Mc – Lemore is a health and fitness blog owner.

  44. vidio lucu says:

    Hi there very nice site!! Guy .. Beautiful ..
    Wonderful .. I will bookmark your site and take the feeds additionally?
    I am happy to find so many helpful information here within the put up, we need develop more strategies
    on this regard, thanks for sharing. . . . . .,

  45. Why people still make use of to read news papers when in this technological globe the whole thing is presented on web?

  46. video lucu bikin ngakak says:

    Definitely believe that which you stated.
    Your favorite reason seemed to be on the internet the easiest thing to be aware of.
    I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about worries that they just
    don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the
    top and also defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a
    signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks,

  47. video lucu bikin ngakak says:

    Greetings! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering
    if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form?
    I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having
    trouble finding one? Thanks a lot!,

  48. video lucu indonesia says:

    I do believe all the ideas you’ve offered on your post.
    They’re really convincing and will definitely work.
    Still, the posts are very short for starters. Could you please prolong
    them a little from next time? Thank you for the post.,

  49. It reduces fats and carb absorption, reduces urge for food, stimulates the metabolism promoting fats burning and offers you extra vitality.
    Individuals who have underlying medical condition should also consult a physician before taking this diet pill.
    Glucomannan is among the most active hunger suppressants
    in Adiphene, and it works to suppress yearnings and help you handle your parts.

  50. WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for
    buy cheap viagra

  51. future, the researchers want to find out whether a combination of several educated in the gastrointestinal tract hormones can further
    enhance the effect of the gastric band. Adiphene is the newest and fastest
    weight reduction supplement in market. With more time now passed, those rates would be even higher as obesity is still on the rise.

  52. Don’t let fat cost-free or perhaps gentle meals trick anyone; them usually comprise
    copious amounts connected with one more unhealthy element.
    This means thay everybody who makes use of Adiphene should shed pounds.
    Having said that, the study has shown that just about anything that can maximize
    the metabolism, also can raise the weight reduction even if the human being is just resting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: