Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

Along with several other ocean bloggers, I recently received a email from AskMen.com plugging their Top 10 Ocean Rivalries piece. Though I generally think that bringing ocean love (or slime or violence) to new audiences is a Good Thing, some of the assholery at AskMen.com sets my feminist leg hairs on end. Then I realized that ocean love and mocking sexist bullshit are two great tastes that taste great together. So without further ado:

Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

Don’t you hate it when your special seal hauls up on the beach and you notice that she’s just not jiggling the way she used to? Blubber loss is a sensitive issue – after all, she’s spent weeks nursing a pup without eating. You can’t just bark “You’re losing weight and I find you less attractive!” You’ve got to make sure that’s she’s in the mood for love before she goes back to sea – as alpha male, it’s your job to get her pregnant before she goes back to sea for the year.

Don’t worry. We here at AskPinnipeds.com are here to give you the top subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough.

1) Dig her a comfy hole in the sand, but make it too big. When she tries to settle in but doesn’t fit, she’ll realize that she’s half the seal she used to be.

2) Couch it in terms of her health. What if she freezes in the deep sea or starves during molting season? Remind her that she’ll be going back to sea already pregnant, and that she needs her strength.

3) Playfully poke at her sides. She’ll feel self-conscious about her puny layer of fat and go back to sea early.

4) Pour sealant over her favorite section of the beach in order to glue the sand grains together. That way, when she hauls out, she’ll won’t even make a dent. Nothing plays on a seal’s self-esteem like undented sand.

5) If all else fails, “accidentally on purpose” squash her during mating. She’ll realize that if she was bigger, it wouldn’t be so unpleasant. That’ll show her!

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55 Responses to Subtle ways to tell your elephant seal that she’s not fat enough

  1. eheupel says:

    So men actually get advice from AskMen.com?
    Men who seriously wnat to have a relationship with a woman?
    Wow, poor sods. They might as well ask the dolphins.

    But this the mockery…
    Wait it’s not a Top 10? Damn! :(
    Still, Most excellent!

  2. I couldn’t think of enough to make a Top 10! O NOES now I’ll never be a writer for AskMen.com. Any suggestions?

  3. CR McClain says:

    This post just totally made my day. I cannot stop chuckling.

  4. Jives says:

    6. Casually play old National Geographic footage of her in her prime while you were pounding your bloody face against another bull male to win her over. Wait for an appropriate pause in the narration and say “you were so worth it then.”

  5. eheupel says:

    Well, you could always develop a totally misogynistic pseudonym/alter ego. Sorta the anti-Miriam.

    Or, just say O Noes and write for Double X.

  6. Awesome. That was great.

    Several years ago a bunch of rock climbers decided to prank askmen because their rock climbing articles were so awful. The resulting ‘how to rockclimb’ article, which described the use of suction cups and grappling hooks to climb like sly stalone was priceless.

  7. jebyrnes says:

    I fear the advice that would come from AskDolphins.com…. Then again, as long as it’s not the dolphins from Jablokov’s A Deeper Sea, it might be OK.

  8. Christie says:

    It’s at moments like these that I feel an almost uncontrollable urge to profess my undying love to you.

    Shit. Make that just uncontrollable.

  9. Your unique and impeccable insight into the lives of pinnipeds makes me think you might be infected with The NERD. In your case, however, it appears the symptoms have positive side effects – kind of like how schitozophrenia made John Nash an incredible mathematician.

  10. [...] Those infected with N. contagium maritimus find themselves uncontrollably attracted to the ocean and its inhabitants. They tend to spend inordinate amounts of time in places like aquariums and tend to prefer career paths like Oceanography and Marine Biology (like these two). The symptoms can range dramatically, from just appreciating marine life to total psychological breakdown, where one believes they are able to actually understand and speak for marine animals. [...]

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