The Oyster’s Garter

Dear Diary,

Have been wandering darkest depths of internet for days. Took a wrong turn at Wikipedia, stumbled over Twitter, and fell off cliff. Am hopelessly lost. Here be Hoxful Monsters, ready to force me to evolve by activating or deactivating my genes. Wondering if I am cute enough to induce locals into altruism via affect hunger, as Greg Downey at Neuroanthropology thinks that passing myself off as poor relative is likely to fail. Cry myself to sleep in strange electronic forest.

Dear Diary,

Was shocked to discover that gorgeously colored birds flicking about Grrlscientist’s place are racists that disapprove of mixed-head-color matings and sexists that think boys can handle stressful times better. Equally low moral character in local bonobos on The Primate Diaries – it’s quite egotistical to think that they most closely resemble human ancestors. The Primate Diaries leaves a bad taste in my mouth!

Dear Diary,

Starving. Searched for newly domesticated rice in Agricultural Biodiversity but alas, no rice until eastern China. Tried fishing for catfish but Grrlscientist scared me away with their complicated evolutionary history and lots of squeaking. Biochemicalsoul sent me frozen fish but since the fish had lost their oxygen-binding proteins they didn’t actually freeze, so they escaped.  I wish Greg Laden and his 300 million year old fish with a poor sense of vertical position were around – I bet I could catch one or the other. Sigh.

Dear Diary,

Everything’s becoming blurry. Maybe it’s sunstroke – Seeds Aside told me to be like ivy and use nectar for sunblock, but I don’t have any nectar. I can’t even tell what is a species anymore. Denim and Tweed says species are a continuum of reproductive isolation and Why Sharks Matter says that species aren’t real anyway! I don’t know what to think. Maybe this group of friendly creationists can help.

Dear Diary,

Friendly creationists were a bust. First Gravity and Levity refuted creation “science” comprehensively and with citations. Then Adaptive Complexity introduced them to the basic evidence for evolution by reviewing the book Why Evolution Is True. When the no-longer-friendly creationists feebly countered with examples of evolutionary frauds, Tangled Up in Blue Guy beat them lightly about the head and neck with the real facts about Haeckel and Piltdown Man and peppered moths and Archaeopteryx.

The sauciest one muttered about half a wing being useless, but Migration demonstrated that half a wing is useful indeed. The final straw was when the Evolving Mind noted that evolution does not inevitably lead to intelligence. They ran away, leaving me alone once more in the internet wilderness.

Dear Diary,

Aieee! There’s something horrifying crashing through the shrubbery and it’s coming closer! I remember that Observations of a Nerd told me to keep my stress low if I wanted high testosterone but now the ladies will never like me. To make matters worse, Anna’s Bones says that the human boner has no baculum bone! What if the crashing is make by the dread Zerg, alien bioengineers luring Dreams In Vitro onto a path of doom?

Dear Diary,

Am wearing a party hat & being stalked by short-faced bear. All that noise was Brian Malow getting DOWN with Lincoln and Darwin for their birthdays. Unfortunately party was so extreme that it ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, dumping us all 150,000 years in the past. Some party guests thought that de-evolution could protect them but instead were immediately eaten by leopards. Am not long for this lifGLAAAAARRRG…

This ancient diary was found by Daniel Brown next to the fossil of a short-nosed bear in a party hat. Oh, For the Love of Science! will continue interpreting it next month.