The Oyster’s Garter

The extinction risks for many species have been wildly underestimated in a most embarrassing fashion. In this week’s Nature, researchers realized that current extinction risk estimates have failed to account for gender ratio and behavior. In other words, the models assumed that all individuals reproduced in the exact same way, and that’s not true. For example, lots of mammals (gorillas, elephant seals) have a harem social structure in which the number of females determines the reproduction rate, but the total number of males is irrelevant, since only the dominant male gets to reproduce. In species that broadcast spawn, like fish or invertebrates, bigger individuals produce exponentially more (and higher-quality) eggs or sperm than smaller individuals.

I’m not a modeler, so I’m utterly gobsmacked that this problem a) exists at all and b) has just been discovered. Because scientists KNOW that sex ratios and body size play a huge role in reproductive success. I can think of a million examples off the top of my head. For example, many fish are sequential hermaphrodites, changing from female to male (or vice-versa) when they reach a certain body size. So by catching the biggest fish, people remove all the males and the population plummets. Or take the case of the Maine lobster - it’s not the teeny pound-and-a-quarter lobsters keeping the population going, it’s the big monsters that live deep off the continental shelf, so fishing them out is a huge problem. (That’s why Maine has a maximum size limit.) The death of a big male fish or big offshore lobster therefore has much bigger ramifications for the population than the death of a small female fish or wee little lobster.

The authors write:

When we apply our new mathematical model to species extinction rates, it shows that things are worse than we thought,” said Melbourne. “By accounting for random differences between individuals, extinction rates for endangered species can be orders of magnitude higher than conservation biologists have believed.

We’d best fix that, then.

Apparently “Finding Nemo” has led to such a demand for clownfish as pets that wild Australian clownfish are now endangered. Wasn’t Nemo lost in the first place because he was captured to be a pet to an evil kid? I believe this can only be described as a conservation EPIC FAIL.

Though my giant swollen hand remains a medical mystery, I now have a suspect. The dread Bearded Fireworm lives on the reef, peaceably crawling about munching on coral polyps. Until…a giant five-fingered hand reaches down from the sky and tried to sample the tunicate that it happens to be crawling on. Then the worm extends its GIANT POISONOUS SPIKES and bam! The offending hand is useless for a week.

They’re not exactly spikes, of course. Most marine worms are polychaetes, also known as bristleworms. Each of their segments has a fleshy protrusion called parapodia, from which protrudes hair-like bristles called setae. (Here’s a nice diagram.) Setae come in all kinds of forms - they can be jointed for traction, hooked for gripping, and so on - but the bearded fireworm’s case, they are hollow and filled with poison. Because of this kickass defense, fireworms fear no predators and are out and about during the day. The one that nailed me must have been small or I would have seen it, but individuals can get up to 12″ long.

Bearded fireworms apparently also have an unfortunate tendency to sneak into people’s aquariums. Googling around brought out some rather desperate threads on how to remove them. I can personally assure these people that gloves are no defense. I wasn’t wearing any pansy neoprene diving gloves, either - when I work with spiky things like nasty spicule-filled tunicates, I wear hardened rubber work gloves. But they were no match for the probable fireworm, no no.

The moral of this story? Looky, no touchy is BY FAR the best way to hang out on a reef. Collecting tunicate samples is way more harrowing than I thought it would be. On top of the fireworm, I almost got nailed by an extraordinarily attractive and extraordinarily toothy Golden Moray yesterday. (Rick would be…so proud. Scroll down for his That’s a Moray Monday series with all the moray goodness you can handle. Except for the golden moray. Rick, do you take requests?)

And sorry, ghouls. I forgot to take a photo of the swollen hand at its peak, what with the science and the doctor and all. Though my thumb still hurts, it is no longer even the slightest bit impressive. You will simply have to use your fervid imagination.

A monkey is not a good solution to empty-nest syndrome. No, not even if your monkey is in $500 clothes.

Many self-described “monkey people” don’t dare call them pets. They are playfully referred to as “monkids” and reared in a world of pierced ears, monogrammed clothes, a seat at the dinner table and their own bedrooms.

Oh, except for when they become violent at sexual maturity.

Little Buddie went everywhere with one couple, including trips to sit on a mall Santa’s lap. When Buddie started biting, though, neither owner felt safe, Bagnall said. A biting attack by the second monkey, Vinny Jr., sent his owner to the hospital.

Some owners go to great lengths to force their critters to behave, Bagnall and animal-rights activists said. Some pull out the animals’ teeth. One monkey arrived at Jungle Friends with a clipped tail — because it got in the way of diapering. Others come in with health problems stemming from too much junk food and not enough sun.

I was going to make this a funny entry - because, hey, “monkids” is hilarious. But then I started to get mad. Just think all the good these disturbed people could have done if they spent all that time and energy on foster children instead of traumatizing a monkey.

There’s abundant evidence that monkeys treated like people end up as poorly socialized, mentally ill monkeys. A book just came out about Nim Chimpsky, the chimp who was raised in a New York brownstone due to a bet with Noam Chomsky. Guess what? The chimp came to a sad end, still not human. Likewise, the chimps used in show business are raised like people, but only have a few years of cuteness before they become too aggressive and are sent away to do they best they can at learning how to be chimps. (Here’s a This American Life segment on a chimpanzee sanctuary for them.) “Monkids” should absolutely be outlawed.

As if you needed another reason to have a giant brain-crush on NPR’s Peter Sagal. Read this amazing rant on the new subplot of “Horton Hears a Who,” in which the 96 daughters of the mayor of Whoville sit around while the one son learns and grows and saves the day. (I suppose this is the opposite of the vanishing female bees in Bee Movie.) Sagal’s whole rant is fantastic, but here’s the best part:

We got into the car outside the cinpeplex and I was quite in lather, let me tell you. How come one of the GIRLs didn’t get to save Whoville? I cried.

“Yeah!” said my daughters.

“And while we’re at it, how come a girl doesn’t get to blow up the Death Star! Or send ET home? Or defeat Captain Hook! Or Destroy the Ring of Power!”

“That’s rotten!” cried my daughters.

“How come Trinity can’t be the One who defeats the Matrix!” I yelled.

“What are you talking about?” they said.

“You’ll find out later,” I said. “But here’s one: how come a girl doesn’t get to defeat Lord Voldemort!”

“Well, wait a minute, Papa,” they said. “None of us would want to mess with him.”

I took their point. But I still wanted to grab that fictional, silly mayor of Whoville by his weirdly ruffled neck, and say, you see those 96 people over there? Those girls, those women, those daughters? You know what they’re saying to you, every minute of every day that you waste thinking about anything else?

They are shouting at you. They are shouting:

“We are here! We are here! We are here!”

Oh, how I hate the lack of decent female characters in movies and many books. Though I think the world of scifi has much improved since I was a wee geek, I used to get all depressed by Lucy not being allowed to fight in the “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,” Eowyn getting all mushy and becoming a healer at the end of LOTR, and even had a small Anne McCaffrey-related existential crisis in 6th grade when I realized that I didn’t WANT to ride a lame golden non-fire-breathing dragon & run the Weyr, I wanted my dragon to breathe fire, dammit.

So go Peter Sagal for demanding faces for those poor faceless 96 daughters. Maybe next time one of them will get to go Balrog-hunting or at least elephant-chatting.

Via Feministe

The Department of Homeland Security has a crack team of highly trained…science fiction writers. They’re called SIGMA, and according to National Defense Magazine, they are a “fixture at Department of Homeland Security science and technology conferences.”

My first thought was - great! Who knew that DHS was so concerned about avoiding the perils of a techno-dystopia? In my fevered imaginings, the panel included China Mieville, Neal Stephenson, Ursula Le Guin, and perhaps even Octavia Butler from beyond the grave.

Hah. Beneath my crusty exterior, I am apparently a foolish idealist. Because the members of SIGMA don’t want to avoid  a 1984-esque scenario - they aspire to it. Here’s Larry Niven on health care:

Niven said a good way to help hospitals stem financial losses is to spread rumors in Spanish within the Latino community that emergency rooms are killing patients in order to harvest their organs for transplants.

“The problem [of hospitals going broke] is hugely exaggerated by illegal aliens who aren’t going to pay for anything anyway,” Niven said.

Or how about Jerry Pournelle (who I’ve never heard of) on the joys of mob rule?

Pournelle said that once mobile phone technology and the devices tacked on them to take pictures and record video become more ubiquitous, then ordinary citizens will be empowered to take security into their own hands — a prediction some have said already has come to pass.

Fortunately, it seems like these Big-Brother-loving sycophants are their own worst enemy.

The 45-minute panel discussion quickly deteriorated as federal, local and state homeland security officials, and at least one congressional aid, attempted to ask questions, which were largely ignored.

Instead the writers used their time to pontificate on a variety of tangentially related topics, including their past roles advising the government, predictions in their stories that have come to pass, the demise of the paperback book market, and low-cost launch into space.

David Brin, keeping on the topic of empowering citizens with mobile phone technology, delivered a self-described “rant” on the lack of funds being spent to support citizen reservists to back up the military, homeland security officials and first responders in times of crisis.

“It is impossible for you to succeed without us!” he shouted at the assembled officials, while banging his fist on the table and at one point jumping off his chair to wave a mobile phone in their faces.

Let’s hope that the Feds don’t consult Orson Scott Card on gay issues or Dave Sim on women.

Via Boing Boing

Screw the whimper - apparently the world may end in a bang…a Death Star bang! According to the Nature News headline, “‘Death Star’ found pointing at Earth.” Is it aliens? Satan? Darth Vader?

No, it’s two spinning stars a mere 8,000 light years away. But they’re set to explode at any moment!!! Well, at any moment in the next few hundred thousand years. And when they do, they may send out a killing burst of gamma rays RIGHT AT EARTH!!! Well, unless the energy dissipates harmlessly in a supernova. Shhhh. It’s doom, Doom, DOOOOOOOM!

Nature News definitely didn’t stint on the doomsday scenario:

A gamma-ray beam might not kill us all immediately. First there would be a bright flash, possibly blinding people, says Melott, then after a few hours the effects would begin in earnest.

The gamma rays would break up molecules in the atmosphere, producing particular oxides of nitrogen that would start to eat up the ozone layer after a few hours, says Melott. Within a few days a quarter of the ozone layer would be destroyed, he suggests.

The ozone destruction would allow through enough ultraviolet light to cause severe radiation damage to plants and people. The nitrogen oxides would also cause acid rain that could kill off plants and algae.

Just like the Ewoks!

I’ve been looking forward to 21 for a while - it’s a movie about MIT students gaming blackjack tables at Vegas. The true story is chronicled in the book Bringing Down the House.  Now, I expected the actors to be way hotter than 99.999% of MIT students, because beating people with the hot stick is what Hollywood does. But I didn’t really expect them to sink so low as to cast a white dude as the East Asian team leader. As ultrabrown says,

Are you kidding me? A movie about math, MIT and gambling, and the lead was made white? Have you ever seen the pai gow tables in Vegas? And this after the success of Harold and Kumar. One step forward, two steps back.

Via Racialicious

Orange Roughy are a slow growing and long lived fish making them extremely vulnerable to overfishing. The filets that arrive at market are likely from fish 50+ years in age. Orange Roughy is caught by bottom trawling, particularly on seamounts where aggregations occur. Bottom trawling destroys the seafloor ecosystem including deep-water corals…Environmental Defense has also issued a health advisory for this fish due to high levels of mercury.

Deep Sea News even has a handy pre-written letter and a link to Trader Joe’s online comment form. Go tell your happy organic grocery store to stop destroying the ocean!  

Eric found this Greenpeace animation, which tries to demonstrate trash accumulation in the North Pacific Gyre. It’s really pretty - too bad the oceanography is entirely wrong. Why is the California Current sweeping through the Central Valley? (Does this mean LA has finally been swept out to sea?) The Alaska Current is not actually over the land of Alaska. And there’s an entirely novel gyre over by Japan - the Kuroshio Current has run away to Kamchatka. Compare:

Still of very very wrong Greenpeace animation:

Actual correct currents (courtesy Ocean Motion):

Oh, Greenpeace - I kind of love your costumes and your earnestness and your enthusiasm. I’m glad you’re out there lobbying and protesting. But Greenpeace, when you’re writing about the North Pacific Gyre you can’t just put the ocean currents every which way. Having the Kuroshio (the Gulf Stream of the Pacific) going the wrong way is particularly harmful to your goal, since it is the Kuroshio that brings plastics from Asia into the gyre. And when your incorrect figure is the second google hit for “North Pacific Gyre Map” - well, that’s way more embarrassing than being the guy in the whale suit.